Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Tye-Dye Poop!

Yes folks, believe it or not, my bowels were getting bored of their usual color schemes so they decided to SPICE things up a bit! I just took a dump and I swear (to the Porcelain Goddess' themselves) that my poop came out tye-dyed! 2 different colors intermingled to make probably the COOLEST looking shit I've ever had.

Just thought I'd share that with y'all.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

For most of you readers from the east coast, you may not recognize this jar above, other than the fact that its salsa. It is the most popular brand out here for chips of all kinds and salsa (among other things). I bought some of this fine salsa tonight, since it's the only brand the little groceria a block away from me carries. And i was DESPERATE for salsa. well, not really, but i had a bad craving

I had some as a snack with my wheat thins before my real meal of stirfried pork and veggies. Immediately after i had my salsa snack and my pork dinner, i had to poop SO BAD. cramps. urgent. BURNING RING OF FIRE. it hurt to close my cheeks! don't even ask about wiping...YEOWZA!

anyway, i assumed it was the pork, because well...pork isn't something i eat very often, whereas i have salsa more often than not (usually tostitos brand though). so later on while watching the simpsons, i had some more salsa and wheat thins.....and that brought on the poop of fire again.

SO, inconclusion, i get Salsa Shits. but only the Old Dutch kind. odd. Odd inDeed. How different can salsas be, right? I always get medium or HOT flavour, and this is the first time that i can recall having to make a mad dash for the john. Maybe i never noticed it before, and it happens every time i eat salsa. Because you know what, that would make eating nachos a lot more painful than it should be.

I was thinking of taking Salsa dance lessons, but on second though....it'd just be a dance to the loo!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Hello - hello - hello - 'lo- 'lo

I have had the worst gas lately. Farty farty fart farts like all the time. If you've been around me lately and have been wondering about that smell. Yeah, it was me. I'm sorry okay, but it's just unhealthy to keep it in.

One of the funniest/most embarrasing things about this however, is when you are on the toilet, even just for a pee, and the fart comes out. The bowl acts as a canyon, and all you can hear for miles is your fart echoing into the night. It's fine if you're in the comfort of your own home, but man! When you're about and about and the need for a public washroom becomes appairant. Oh my. Red cheeks all around.

Pun intended.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Poop=Jesus. Black Jesus.

Man O man.

Speaking of the after drinking poops...specifically the after drinking red wine poops...ALWAYS the next day I poop black poop. Fuck it's sick looking. Black poop. Gross. Does red wine do this everyone else? It is guaranteed for me. And I just shit one out. pure. black.

BUT does anyone else find that if they have a hangover or headache from the previous night's shinanigans, that once you have that poop the next day, you feel signficantly better? My hangover if basically gone. Pooping is my saviour.

Friday, June 02, 2006

I'm Sorry Belly!

I'm sorry that I put alcohol and pizza into you. I'm sorry. Please don't be angry anymore at me okay! I'll never ever ever do it again. I swear.

For the next 12 hours anyway.

The after drinking poops are the worst. They can last all day and the farts go right along with it. But I do think that that first initial poop the morning after drinking automatically takes away fifty percent of a hangover. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

ya know, i made an observation yesterday.

i think that when i wear a thong, it stimulates my butt-hole, making me want to poop more often.

seriously.

does this happen to anyone else? i had to poop a lot yesterday, and just how my thong was rubbing me....i think there is a direct relationship between the two.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

i pooped today.

it made me feel thin.

it was like a five pounder.

seriously.

i wish i could shit at LEAST ten pounds away.

then i'd feel worthy.