Tuesday, September 27, 2005

ya'll are lame. no one posts anymore! or maybe...i'm the lame one? nah. that can NOT be right!!!

anyway, tonight i found out some of my biological birth history or whatever, and though it's sort of hard to swallow, i found out some of my toilet behaviour when i was a fresh faced newborn (like, when i was in foster care, before being adopted). so i thought i'd share my 'shitty' history with you, the readers.

Is baby relaxed when being changed: Yes

Is baby relaxed when having a bowel movement: Yes

What is given for constipation: No problems with constipation

What is used for diaper rash: No problems with diaper rash

Bowel movements - time, frequency, consistency: Daily bowel movements of normal consistency

normal pooper as a baby, slightly a bit more erratic as a twenty two year old.

ya'll are lame. no one posts anymore! or maybe...i'm the lame one? nah. that can NOT be right!!!

anyway, tonight i found out some of my biological birth history or whatever, and though it's sort of hard to swallow, i found out some of my toilet behaviour when i was a fresh faced newborn (like, when i was in foster care, before being adopted). so i thought i'd share my 'shitty' history with you, the readers.

Is baby relaxed when being changed: Yes

Is baby relaxed when having a bowel movement: Yes

What is given for constipation: No problems with constipation

What is used for diaper rash: No problems with diaper rash

Bowel movements - time, frequency, consistency: Daily bowel movements of normal consistency

normal pooper as a baby, slightly a bit more erratic as a twenty two year old.

Monday, September 26, 2005

geeze, am i the only one still pooping?

this isn't really poop related, but it does pertain to the 'loo.

Loo = bathroom, in case you didn't know (or live under a rock, in other words)

i'm leaving in a week, and suddenly, my parents are finally redoing the downstairs bathroom!

when i'm leaving!

i won't get to take a shower in it until i come back home (hopefully around christmas). years ago, the room that the bathroom is in (it is our third) wasn't even a bathroom. it was just a storage room. finally, they realized that HEY. there are 4 women living in this house (my poor unfortunately father) we need anotherbathroom! so they made a new toilet-hold. excellent.

it was great, to begin with. we have a whirlpool tub, a standup shower, a neat toilet that looked like a bidet.

unfortunately, it crumbled.

the shower grew mold. the tub? barely ever used (at least, not as much as it merits), the toilet gets clogged a lot. lame.

so, now, they are tearing out the shower, making the tub a combo (shower AND tub) and a new toilet too. all as i am leaving.

so far, it looks horrible. but by the end of the week, it'll be pretty again.

and holy fuck, the flies are fucking driving me insane.

that is all. come for a visit to the new bathroom!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

taken from overheardinnewyork.com:


Little girl: Mommy, I gotta go diarrhea!

Mom: Not all poo-poo is diarrhea, you know.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

last night, it was numbertwo's ass that was a walking gas leak. today, it is moi.

i'm letting rippers go (hehe, i love the word rippers) that actually are silent, but are the A-bombs of stink.

i feel like a pig, wallowing in my own filth/stench.

in other news, season premiere of ER is on tonight! swoon!

Monday, September 12, 2005

ACHOO!

I was at work today.

I sneezed.

I farted at the same time!

It was loud!

Thankfully no one heard it.

I still blushed though.

I also did that in grade 5 but the whole class heard it and laughed at me.

Talk about embarassing.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Unhealthy Poop


it wasn't a pretty sight tonight.
no details, except that it was clumpy, and made a huge sound as it dived into the water.
smell was funky, and the colour was ....assorted.

there was also a back splash.
yes, this is when the dump makes the toilet recoil in horror, and the water leaps up and touches your butt cheeks. it's like the water is afraid of what you just released and needs to escape.

it's my body's way of punishing me. you see, all i ate today...were croutons. with some sour cream. oh, i had a few tostitos and a lot of diet pepsi. not exactly healthy. so body is revolting through my colon.

oh dear.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Okay, it's about time I posted this even though you've all heard the story. While there is no poo involved, there potentially could have been a messy one!!

RAINBOW VALLEY - THE "SCREAMER"

A wonderful and lovely day reliving childhood memories at the RV! All day we had waited for what was sure to be one of the highlights of the summer. Lady Danger was even so excited for it that she bought a piece of it. Of course, I'm talking about the waterslides!

Flume Ride - exciting and no bum to slide touching ... beautiful.
Twin slides - also exciting , hit my elbow (ouch!) but fun fun fun.

But the mistake was made when I casually suggested to B that we try the SCREAMER ... hey, little kids can master it and seemed to have fun, it shouldn't have been a problem for us. We patiently waited our turn, spitting over the side of the stairs, looking at the hot air balloon in the distance and finally the dude said to me "okay you can go" ... Off I went.

As soon as I took off straight down the slide, I lost my vision. There was water everywhere and I couldn't even open my eyes, I tried to block it with my hands but it was impossible. I got a little nervous cause I had no idea what to expect at the end of the journey. Would there be an attendent at the end of the line? A pool? Did it just stop? Questions ran through my mind as quickly as my bottoms wedged up my ass. I had never had a wedgie like this before. I prayed there would be no one at the end of the slide, and I'd have some privacy to fix myself.

So it ended. No pool, no attendent, it just sorta stopped. Thank God there was a tunnel there cause it took me quite a moment to get myself together. Poor B was still at the top waiting for the okay, no clue what was in store for him. I rearranged my suit and walked out of the tunnel.

But wait, it was not over. There was still water everywhere! Okay, not everywhere, more like one specific location. It was like peeing water from the bum. A whole new experience for me. One I hope not to have again. B got to the end looking as frazzled as I still felt. I stood against the wall waiting for him afraid someone might notice the water trailing down from behind! ... We both laughed awkwardly probably thinking the same thing the other was thinking though neither said it at this time.

I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I actually did have to pee (the normal way) and I was anxious to get the rest out. I'm just glad that I didn't have to poop at that particular time of the day, cause it wouldn't have been pretty.

Let's not think about.

Let's just chalk this one up to a lesson learnt. And a wonderful story for this unique blog.

The "At work, can't make it to break, dump of necessity".

So how many of us have been at work (or class) and just not been able to make it to break? It's got to be like a revenge of the breakfast, punishment for being in a hurry and scarfing down your bagels of choice, muffins, or coffee. You're about an hour and a half into your day, and all of a sudden you've just got no option, you can't sit there anymore, bathroom is your only concern. How do you pass this one off, since letting everyone know that you need to take a dump in the workplace is semi-taboo, even though everyone must do it? It's too early for break, class isn't over for another half hour, and it's starting to get very uncomfortable. You could try to sneak out looking nonchalant, but chances are good by now that everyone around you is going to be in on your little conflict since you've been fidgeting for 20 minutes now, and are walking like there's a scud missile lodged up your backside. The solution that I've progressed toward is starting to appear as an excuse to go get water since the air circulation has you parched. Take your lovely little spill proof mug that housed your morning coffee, and you simply have to take it to the b-room to rinse it out for your crisp clear fountain water rescue. Timing here is important, because you don't want to look like a freak who washes their mug for 5+ minutes, but you need some time to do your poo, or it's just a wasted trip. Important tip, don't forget to wash your hands, then remember to fill the mug with water, or the ruse will be up, and they'll all know that you poop.

And as we all know, girls don't poop.

Monday, September 05, 2005

"Ass Like That"

yes, i'm sorry i quoted an Eminem song. forgivaness PLEASE!

yesterday was a fun day that turned sour. after a lovely potluck hosted by k and n, we had planned to go to the Drive In for a triple bill. after nw, a and i picked up b, we went on our way. Unfortunately when we got there, they were sold out! phenomenal. we had no way of contacting the other car, so i hope you had fun if you got in. we headed to my house, to watch Sin City and have some wine.

well, the conversation steered towards body functions. Poop and farting and belching.

this was the first time for b to hang out with us and we discussed farting a lot. and we did fart a lot too.

i think you can only truely be someone's friend if you feel comfortable farting in front of them. so, i'm glad to say i have some really fucking awesome best friends.

so, if you love someone, fart in their face. it's a cool way to say "i love you" without opening your mouth, only your anal sphincter

Sunday, September 04, 2005

General Update

It hasn't been a very eventful week, bowel-wise. I had a couple of 3-poo kind of days, which isn't a terribly odd occurance for me. I usually poo twice a day, but it is really odd if I don't poo at least once. In all, things have been pretty regular as far as my colon is concerned (nothing remarkable, or terribly stinky).

Saturday, September 03, 2005

OMG! I just left the bathroom and ran to the computer to write about it! I had to double flush!!! I had a nice solid log, it felt healthy, and I flushed, then it disappeared down the drain. Gone. I washed my hands and looked back in the toilet and the log returned! Floating there atop the water! Silly silly poop.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Beach Poop

Today was spent at Basin Head Beach with two of the islands finest. Of course, being at a beach makes one hungry, so we left in search of food.

This is what i found: Mussels with garlic butter, and a fire roasted veggie wrap with a baked potato. MMM.

the drive in from fortune to town was about 45minutes or so, which apparently is all the time my body needs to digest! as soon as i got home from dropping n off (thanks again, a, for taking me to my car!) i came into the house, petted my doggy, and made a mad dash to the downstairs toilet.

ever have one of those poops that feels like it's one big log, but when you're done, it ends up being like 15 mini-logs? yah, that was this one. and it was an INVISIBLE poop! those are when you wipe and NOTHING turns up on the toilet paper. seriously. or maybe it's called the clean poop. i wiped a few extra times in case i was missing something back there.

so yeah. the poops (though i thought it was only one) made a graceful entry into the pool, so that is good i suppose. it wasn't clumpy, so i don't think i'm constipated. just a bunch of little logs. and no aftermath. go figure!

i just got back from a drink and a slight feed at pat n willys with my cousins. i ordered the Dead Wings. i believe they are called this because they are made with the Devil's Ejaculate. i could only eat one, and i thought i was dead. i was sweating BRICKS, and if i had balls, they would have been sweating so much, it'd make my pants look like i peed them. honestly. i can tolerate really spicy stuff...except for the Devil's cum. honestly. so, i eagerly await this BM. it will probably burn as much coming out as it did in. dear god.