Think Your Shit Don't Stink?

Tye-Dye Poop!

2006-08-02T17:49:00.000-07:00

Yes folks, believe it or not, my bowels were getting bored of their usual color schemes so they decided to SPICE things up a bit! I just took a dump and I swear (to the Porcelain Goddess' themselves) that my poop came out tye-dyed! 2 different colors intermingled to make probably the COOLEST looking shit I've ever had.

Just thought I'd share that with y'all.

2006-07-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

For most of you readers from the east coast, you may not recognize this jar above, other than the fact that its salsa. It is the most popular brand out here for chips of all kinds and salsa (among other things). I bought some of this fine salsa tonight, since it's the only brand the little groceria a block away from me carries. And i was DESPERATE for salsa. well, not really, but i had a bad craving

I had some as a snack with my wheat thins before my real meal of stirfried pork and veggies. Immediately after i had my salsa snack and my pork dinner, i had to poop SO BAD. cramps. urgent. BURNING RING OF FIRE. it hurt to close my cheeks! don't even ask about wiping...YEOWZA!

anyway, i assumed it was the pork, because well...pork isn't something i eat very often, whereas i have salsa more often than not (usually tostitos brand though). so later on while watching the simpsons, i had some more salsa and wheat thins.....and that brought on the poop of fire again.

SO, inconclusion, i get Salsa Shits. but only the Old Dutch kind. odd. Odd inDeed. How different can salsas be, right? I always get medium or HOT flavour, and this is the first time that i can recall having to make a mad dash for the john. Maybe i never noticed it before, and it happens every time i eat salsa. Because you know what, that would make eating nachos a lot more painful than it should be.

I was thinking of taking Salsa dance lessons, but on second though....it'd just be a dance to the loo!

Hello - hello - hello - 'lo- 'lo

2006-06-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

I have had the worst gas lately. Farty farty fart farts like all the time. If you've been around me lately and have been wondering about that smell. Yeah, it was me. I'm sorry okay, but it's just unhealthy to keep it in.

One of the funniest/most embarrasing things about this however, is when you are on the toilet, even just for a pee, and the fart comes out. The bowl acts as a canyon, and all you can hear for miles is your fart echoing into the night. It's fine if you're in the comfort of your own home, but man! When you're about and about and the need for a public washroom becomes appairant. Oh my. Red cheeks all around.

Pun intended.

Poop=Jesus. Black Jesus.

2006-06-03T09:06:00.000-07:00

Man O man.

Speaking of the after drinking poops...specifically the after drinking red wine poops...ALWAYS the next day I poop black poop. Fuck it's sick looking. Black poop. Gross. Does red wine do this everyone else? It is guaranteed for me. And I just shit one out. pure. black.

BUT does anyone else find that if they have a hangover or headache from the previous night's shinanigans, that once you have that poop the next day, you feel signficantly better? My hangover if basically gone. Pooping is my saviour.

I'm Sorry Belly!

2006-06-02T08:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that I put alcohol and pizza into you. I'm sorry. Please don't be angry anymore at me okay! I'll never ever ever do it again. I swear.

For the next 12 hours anyway.

The after drinking poops are the worst. They can last all day and the farts go right along with it. But I do think that that first initial poop the morning after drinking automatically takes away fifty percent of a hangover. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

2006-05-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

ya know, i made an observation yesterday.

i think that when i wear a thong, it stimulates my butt-hole, making me want to poop more often.

seriously.

does this happen to anyone else? i had to poop a lot yesterday, and just how my thong was rubbing me....i think there is a direct relationship between the two.

2006-05-27T21:50:00.000-07:00

i pooped today.

it made me feel thin.

it was like a five pounder.

seriously.

i wish i could shit at LEAST ten pounds away.

then i'd feel worthy.

Do You Believe In Magic

2006-05-25T06:01:00.000-07:00

I have a chair at my computer desk. I swear it's magic. I don't know how it does it, but I swear that if you sit down in it, within minutes you will have to poop. Forget xlax, if you are constipated, come on over, because I have the cure for you!

I discovered the true magic of this chair the day I returned home from Vancouver. Early that morning at the airport, I had to poop and I very muchly wanted to get it over with before getting on the plane. I wanted a comfortable flight you understand. Off I went, the bathrooms there are quite nice, but I had nothing. Nothing.

I tired again once more before going through security. All efforts were put in, but with no result. It was starting to piss me off. I boarded the plane. What a long flight. I tried twice more in the teeny tiny bathroom on board, once through some turbulance when I should have been at my seat with the seatbelt on. Lemme tell ya, don't try that at home. Or really, on a plane, cause it does not quite work at home.

By the time I got to Montreal, I was still unsuccessful and I gave it another shot at Trudeau Airport. No dice. 7 hours later and nada. After a delayed flight and the car ride home, I was ready for bed. But I had to check my email first. I sat in the chair.

By the time I had finished reading one email, there it was. I was ready! SOOO satisfying. One of the best feelings EVER. I went back to continue reading emails. Within minutes, I was ready to go again! Once again, satisfying to the max. I hit the hay.

The next morning, I woke for work and sat at the chair once again. I dont' think I have to tell you what happend next. The chair saved my sanity.

Since this day, everytime I sit down in that chair it brings sweet sweet relief. I don't know why, I don't know how. But I love it.

THE MAGIC POOP CHAIR. Come on over and try it.

2006-05-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

Poop Dates

Oh man. Can date squares ever give you the shits! And the gas! My Dad made a huge pan of date squares and we've been eating them for like 3 days and we are all farting like crazy! Like massive explosive smelly old farts! And we've all been shitting like 5 times a day! Well my Dad, maybe a few more. So if you want to clean out your system eat some date squares!

2005-12-17T17:06:00.000-08:00

Sideways Poo

Not when it comes out, but as it's being flushed. It somehow gets positioned oddly on the way out and if it's long enough can be blocked and will just sit there while the water rushes by. You think "oh no, will it make it down, and what if it doesn't? will flushing again work? and what if it doesn't" ...

Usually however, that last rush of water is strong enough to break it up, and it goes away. Never to be heard from again.

2005-12-17T07:49:00.000-08:00

Patty O'Poo

This is a result of eating nothing but junk food for the entire day. Nothing healthy at all. Except for a grapefruit. It comes out as one pile. No define shape, just a pile. And it looks like a cow patty. Not too much sicks me out, but this almost did.

2005-11-16T05:26:00.000-08:00

Smoke Poop

In lieu of booze related poops, my most recent and unforgettable has been the smoke poop. SP as me and another call it for short when wanting to discuss pooping in public. It's when you look down into the toilet after you've pushed and your poop looks like powder. Like a fine talc almost. Like Potter took his wand and POOF! Smoke. Poop. However it feels normal coming out. One never can tell if they are having an SP until they look. But it definitely is a nice surprise. I am sure mine was induced from the wine drinking I did this past weekend, as wine only brings out the finest, and rarest of poops. It's almost like snowflakes. No two poops are the same.

2005-11-11T12:06:00.000-08:00

Rocket Shit

I just had a poop that came out of my arse so fast, i near was blown into orbit from the john. SEriously, Dave Chappell wasn't kiddin with that skit of a similar nature. this was definately a booze poop, and now it burns a bit. it felt good to get it out, but at the same time, it'd have felt great to leave it in, and not burn.

2005-10-21T18:15:00.000-07:00

SUshi Shit

i had real sushi the other day. really nice spot, they had booths with the really low tables that you sit with your legs crossed, and the paper thin walls. tres chic

but it gave me the shits.

i had a shittake sushi piece, a small salad, rice, chicken teriyaki, and some veggie sushi, and a piece of veggie roll.

then i had a huge Mr. Big bar.

i was being a bit piggish!

then i had a pooop. like MASSIVE chunkage.
it felt like the devil was coming out of my bum, and i swear, i lost about 5 lbs.
maybe it was the bar, but i'm pretty sure it was the shittake.

shittake shit.

2005-10-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

Don't worry Rumpty Dumpty, I haven't forgotten about the poops. Actually I have been havin' lots of poops! I swear my apartment makes me need to poop everytime I step in the door. Like even if i pooped right before, the second I walk in there: POOP. NOW. Strange I say it is. Speaking of poops though, Sir Poops Alot is actually pooping as I type. And it's been his 3rd time in about 15 minutes. I think he has the runs. Probably the liquor/BK treatment from last night. I hope he survives and keeps everything in tact.

This Betty Poop signing off and awaiting my next bowel movement.

2005-09-27T19:59:00.001-07:00

ya'll are lame. no one posts anymore! or maybe...i'm the lame one? nah. that can NOT be right!!!

anyway, tonight i found out some of my biological birth history or whatever, and though it's sort of hard to swallow, i found out some of my toilet behaviour when i was a fresh faced newborn (like, when i was in foster care, before being adopted). so i thought i'd share my 'shitty' history with you, the readers.

Is baby relaxed when being changed: Yes

Is baby relaxed when having a bowel movement: Yes

What is given for constipation: No problems with constipation

What is used for diaper rash: No problems with diaper rash

Bowel movements - time, frequency, consistency: Daily bowel movements of normal consistency

normal pooper as a baby, slightly a bit more erratic as a twenty two year old.

2005-09-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

2005-09-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

geeze, am i the only one still pooping?

this isn't really poop related, but it does pertain to the 'loo.

Loo = bathroom, in case you didn't know (or live under a rock, in other words)

i'm leaving in a week, and suddenly, my parents are finally redoing the downstairs bathroom!

when i'm leaving!

i won't get to take a shower in it until i come back home (hopefully around christmas). years ago, the room that the bathroom is in (it is our third) wasn't even a bathroom. it was just a storage room. finally, they realized that HEY. there are 4 women living in this house (my poor unfortunately father) we need anotherbathroom! so they made a new toilet-hold. excellent.

it was great, to begin with. we have a whirlpool tub, a standup shower, a neat toilet that looked like a bidet.

unfortunately, it crumbled.

the shower grew mold. the tub? barely ever used (at least, not as much as it merits), the toilet gets clogged a lot. lame.

so, now, they are tearing out the shower, making the tub a combo (shower AND tub) and a new toilet too. all as i am leaving.

so far, it looks horrible. but by the end of the week, it'll be pretty again.

and holy fuck, the flies are fucking driving me insane.

that is all. come for a visit to the new bathroom!

2005-09-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

taken from overheardinnewyork.com:

Little girl: Mommy, I gotta go diarrhea!

Mom: Not all poo-poo is diarrhea, you know.

2005-09-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

last night, it was numbertwo's ass that was a walking gas leak. today, it is moi.

i'm letting rippers go (hehe, i love the word rippers) that actually are silent, but are the A-bombs of stink.

i feel like a pig, wallowing in my own filth/stench.

in other news, season premiere of ER is on tonight! swoon!

2005-09-12T15:55:00.000-07:00

ACHOO!

I was at work today.

I sneezed.

I farted at the same time!

It was loud!

Thankfully no one heard it.

I still blushed though.

I also did that in grade 5 but the whole class heard it and laughed at me.

Talk about embarassing.

2005-09-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

Unhealthy Poop

it wasn't a pretty sight tonight.
no details, except that it was clumpy, and made a huge sound as it dived into the water.
smell was funky, and the colour was ....assorted.

there was also a back splash.
yes, this is when the dump makes the toilet recoil in horror, and the water leaps up and touches your butt cheeks. it's like the water is afraid of what you just released and needs to escape.

it's my body's way of punishing me. you see, all i ate today...were croutons. with some sour cream. oh, i had a few tostitos and a lot of diet pepsi. not exactly healthy. so body is revolting through my colon.

oh dear.

2005-09-06T09:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's about time I posted this even though you've all heard the story. While there is no poo involved, there potentially could have been a messy one!!

RAINBOW VALLEY - THE "SCREAMER"

A wonderful and lovely day reliving childhood memories at the RV! All day we had waited for what was sure to be one of the highlights of the summer. Lady Danger was even so excited for it that she bought a piece of it. Of course, I'm talking about the waterslides!

Flume Ride - exciting and no bum to slide touching ... beautiful.
Twin slides - also exciting , hit my elbow (ouch!) but fun fun fun.

But the mistake was made when I casually suggested to B that we try the SCREAMER ... hey, little kids can master it and seemed to have fun, it shouldn't have been a problem for us. We patiently waited our turn, spitting over the side of the stairs, looking at the hot air balloon in the distance and finally the dude said to me "okay you can go" ... Off I went.

As soon as I took off straight down the slide, I lost my vision. There was water everywhere and I couldn't even open my eyes, I tried to block it with my hands but it was impossible. I got a little nervous cause I had no idea what to expect at the end of the journey. Would there be an attendent at the end of the line? A pool? Did it just stop? Questions ran through my mind as quickly as my bottoms wedged up my ass. I had never had a wedgie like this before. I prayed there would be no one at the end of the slide, and I'd have some privacy to fix myself.

So it ended. No pool, no attendent, it just sorta stopped. Thank God there was a tunnel there cause it took me quite a moment to get myself together. Poor B was still at the top waiting for the okay, no clue what was in store for him. I rearranged my suit and walked out of the tunnel.

But wait, it was not over. There was still water everywhere! Okay, not everywhere, more like one specific location. It was like peeing water from the bum. A whole new experience for me. One I hope not to have again. B got to the end looking as frazzled as I still felt. I stood against the wall waiting for him afraid someone might notice the water trailing down from behind! ... We both laughed awkwardly probably thinking the same thing the other was thinking though neither said it at this time.

I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I actually did have to pee (the normal way) and I was anxious to get the rest out. I'm just glad that I didn't have to poop at that particular time of the day, cause it wouldn't have been pretty.

Let's not think about.

Let's just chalk this one up to a lesson learnt. And a wonderful story for this unique blog.

2005-09-06T05:51:00.000-07:00

The "At work, can't make it to break, dump of necessity".

So how many of us have been at work (or class) and just not been able to make it to break? It's got to be like a revenge of the breakfast, punishment for being in a hurry and scarfing down your bagels of choice, muffins, or coffee. You're about an hour and a half into your day, and all of a sudden you've just got no option, you can't sit there anymore, bathroom is your only concern. How do you pass this one off, since letting everyone know that you need to take a dump in the workplace is semi-taboo, even though everyone must do it? It's too early for break, class isn't over for another half hour, and it's starting to get very uncomfortable. You could try to sneak out looking nonchalant, but chances are good by now that everyone around you is going to be in on your little conflict since you've been fidgeting for 20 minutes now, and are walking like there's a scud missile lodged up your backside. The solution that I've progressed toward is starting to appear as an excuse to go get water since the air circulation has you parched. Take your lovely little spill proof mug that housed your morning coffee, and you simply have to take it to the b-room to rinse it out for your crisp clear fountain water rescue. Timing here is important, because you don't want to look like a freak who washes their mug for 5+ minutes, but you need some time to do your poo, or it's just a wasted trip. Important tip, don't forget to wash your hands, then remember to fill the mug with water, or the ruse will be up, and they'll all know that you poop.

And as we all know, girls don't poop.

2005-09-05T18:39:00.000-07:00

"Ass Like That"

yes, i'm sorry i quoted an Eminem song. forgivaness PLEASE!

yesterday was a fun day that turned sour. after a lovely potluck hosted by k and n, we had planned to go to the Drive In for a triple bill. after nw, a and i picked up b, we went on our way. Unfortunately when we got there, they were sold out! phenomenal. we had no way of contacting the other car, so i hope you had fun if you got in. we headed to my house, to watch Sin City and have some wine.

well, the conversation steered towards body functions. Poop and farting and belching.

this was the first time for b to hang out with us and we discussed farting a lot. and we did fart a lot too.

i think you can only truely be someone's friend if you feel comfortable farting in front of them. so, i'm glad to say i have some really fucking awesome best friends.

so, if you love someone, fart in their face. it's a cool way to say "i love you" without opening your mouth, only your anal sphincter

2005-09-04T22:14:00.000-07:00

General Update

It hasn't been a very eventful week, bowel-wise. I had a couple of 3-poo kind of days, which isn't a terribly odd occurance for me. I usually poo twice a day, but it is really odd if I don't poo at least once. In all, things have been pretty regular as far as my colon is concerned (nothing remarkable, or terribly stinky).

2005-09-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

OMG! I just left the bathroom and ran to the computer to write about it! I had to double flush!!! I had a nice solid log, it felt healthy, and I flushed, then it disappeared down the drain. Gone. I washed my hands and looked back in the toilet and the log returned! Floating there atop the water! Silly silly poop.

2005-09-02T16:35:00.000-07:00

Beach Poop

Today was spent at Basin Head Beach with two of the islands finest. Of course, being at a beach makes one hungry, so we left in search of food.

This is what i found: Mussels with garlic butter, and a fire roasted veggie wrap with a baked potato. MMM.

the drive in from fortune to town was about 45minutes or so, which apparently is all the time my body needs to digest! as soon as i got home from dropping n off (thanks again, a, for taking me to my car!) i came into the house, petted my doggy, and made a mad dash to the downstairs toilet.

ever have one of those poops that feels like it's one big log, but when you're done, it ends up being like 15 mini-logs? yah, that was this one. and it was an INVISIBLE poop! those are when you wipe and NOTHING turns up on the toilet paper. seriously. or maybe it's called the clean poop. i wiped a few extra times in case i was missing something back there.

so yeah. the poops (though i thought it was only one) made a graceful entry into the pool, so that is good i suppose. it wasn't clumpy, so i don't think i'm constipated. just a bunch of little logs. and no aftermath. go figure!

i just got back from a drink and a slight feed at pat n willys with my cousins. i ordered the Dead Wings. i believe they are called this because they are made with the Devil's Ejaculate. i could only eat one, and i thought i was dead. i was sweating BRICKS, and if i had balls, they would have been sweating so much, it'd make my pants look like i peed them. honestly. i can tolerate really spicy stuff...except for the Devil's cum. honestly. so, i eagerly await this BM. it will probably burn as much coming out as it did in. dear god.

2005-08-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

My First Post: I call it "Everybody Poops - Even Oprah"

Anyone who may have caught Oprah yesterday knows what I'm talking about. Her show was all about being healthy and a good chunk of it was about POOP! Spening a few minutes in the bathroom checking stuff out can let you know how you're doing health wise. Check it out:

"...you should rely on your senses in the bathroom. For starters, have you ever thought about the importance of what your bowel movement sounds like when it hits the water? Listen up!

"You want to hear what the stool, the poop, sounds like when it hits the water. If it sounds like a bombardier, you know, 'plop, plop, plop,' that's not right because it means you're constipated. It means the food is too hard by the time it comes out. It should hit the water like a diver from Acapulco hits the water [swoosh]."

"...looking at your stool—c'mon, you've done it before! You should look twice—look at the shape and then, the color.

"It should be an S shape and you want to make sure the color's normal because the color of the poop tells you a lot about how you made it," Dr. Oz says. "You don't want [pieces]. Food is a medicine for you. It helps you. [If the stool is in pieces] by the time you finished digesting your food, you don't have enough of it left to poop out in the right way and probably it's hurt the colon that has to process it. At the end of the day you can analyze your body really effectively by looking at what comes out of your body."

I hope you all have heathly poops!

2005-08-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

Private Pooper

I too had the joy of experiencing the creepy peepies of that brat in the public washroom. I don't even like to pee in a public washroom and will only poo in one if it's a real emergency. This poo was starting to poke out when the kid started staring, and I wasn't lucky enough to have her mother tell her to stop. I stuffed toilet paper in the hole in the door, but was pretty paranoid. By that time, I was I pretty sure the poo had started back through my intestines for my stomach since I had a bit of trouble convincing it to come out. I only managed to squeeze out enough to feel comfortable again before making a quick exit to get away from the kids.

Until we eat again...

2005-08-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

Pooping is something that I like to do alone. I think most people feel the same way. A stranger watching you poop is very unsettleing, and this I know from an experience. Yesterday I was having an emergency shit situation and had to resort to a public bathroom, which I usually avoid when a suitable alternative is available. In this particular public bathroom, there were holes in the door where old locks had been, and after I had sat down some woman's child started looking in this hole and would not stop. And the woman let this go on for a while before putting an end to her child's creepy peepiness. Eww. Threw me right off.

2005-08-25T06:23:00.000-07:00

2 in 1 Poop

I had a poop this morning. A 2 in 1 poop. What is this you ask? It's one of those poops where the first part of it is one color and half way up is a TOTALLY different color. The first part being left over poop that I couldnt squeeze out yesterday and it just sat in my bowels and combined with the new coming poop from my last meal. It almost a piece of art when you look at it. Two completely different meals colaborating to make one beautiful piece of...shit. The body can do wonderful things.....

2005-08-24T06:35:00.000-07:00

wow, is betty poop and i the only ones getting our fiber intake? everyone, pull your pants down and PUSH!

on monday morning, i rushed to the bathroom FOUR times! in the SAME MORNING!! no lie.

1st time: looked like one of those forks you use to find water, complete with corn decorating the edges

2nd time: two Snake poops, nothing fancy. didn't get caught on the way down.

3rd time: at least 8-10 small 'cheese string' type poos. gross

4th time: i think i just expelled poo-coloured water, with a hint of substance.

i believe it was collectively everything i ate the last MONTH.

when i got home, after the boat ride and a taste of the worst vegetable beef soup EVER, i had, like betty poop, 'Soup Poop'.

at least i was at my home toilet and not on the boat. ew.

keep the Cottonelle comin'!

2005-08-19T13:43:00.000-07:00

Vacation Poop

I am now in the land of Cowboys and beef jerky galore. it was a long lonely ride out here to calgary,but it's fucking already worth it, and the day is still young!

i hadn't eaten much since i left charlottetown to halifax for my flight. the following is what i had eaten:

-mustard, lettuce, green pepper on whole wheat sandwich (home)
-a few croutons on the boat (salad was disgusting)
-a few honey mustard and onion pretzel bites (in car)
-half a cup of tim hortons yogurt and berries (in car)
-decent salad and corona (at airport)
-glass of red wine and cashews in airplane
-half a granola bar at airport in edmonton
-small cappuccino and some cheerios mix in calgary

it looks like a lot written down, but that is over two days, and none is a real dinner.

so anyway, now that you know my food intake, here is what it ended up like.

i had only mediocre poops on the thursday at the airport in edmonton. none on the plane, but i was really farty and burpy on the plane ride! like a LOT. they weren't stinky or very loud, but came by the army full. today, while at vince's place, i had what i like to call "the Snake"

the snake comes out in full form. not three separate pieces, but one long log. and it tapers off at the end like a tail. and let me tell you, the stink is like a poisonous BITE! pee ew. thank god i was the only one home.

i feel like i lost about 5 lbs, which is fine by me since i'm still bloaty.

time to go read outside in the glorious sun and wait for the real action to start tonight!

2005-08-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

Beginning yesterday to this morning, I have had a total of 4 separate shits, all of which included corn. Lightly distributed I may add. but it was there. I just can't believe I had 4 #2's in the past 24 hours. Christ. I'm usually a 1 (maybe 2) poops a day kinda girl. but who's complaining. As long as it ain't running out of me like last weekends explosion.

Signing off and wiping from front to back.....

2005-08-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

Sunday PotLuck Poop

..made it's way out tonight.

i could feel it moving throughout my intestines. it wasn't life-changing exodus of crap. three drops and it was done. but...the STINK! it was absolutely horrid. i'm not one to light a match after a shit, but this was one of them times. an hour after i done the deed, my sister went in the bathroom and even commented on it.

so, the poop itself wasn't spectacular, but it's stink was!

2005-08-15T14:53:00.000-07:00

Italian Wedding Poop

I know I told the story already, but it was my first case of diarhea in a LONG time. I ate a bowl of Campbell's Italian Wedding Soup for lunch and after we got back from eating pizza at Adam's that day I got back and had to RUN to the bathroom. It was PURE soup that came out of me! Spinach and all! I was in there for 25 minutes. It was like peeing from the wrong place! I took a nap after that fiasco and vowed never to eat Italian Wedding Soup again.

Now i'm left awaiting the corn/blueberry/mussel BM. Can't wait.

2005-08-15T14:26:00.000-07:00

The First Poop Post

i haven't gone yet. but i can feel my bowels working. i'm going to be greeting that corn and mussels again soon. it was so good going down, but i'm scared of it going out.